(OTTAWA) The Conservative Party of Canada announced on February 19, 2019 that they have purchased the rights to classic Canadian video game, ‘Crosscountry Canada’. The party claims it will release a commemorative edition of the game to mark the arrival of an astroturfed “Yellow Vests Canada” convoy to Ottawa.
“Because it’s 2019, we thought it important to revisit the classics and teach a whole new generation of schoolkids about trucking, the importance of Canada’s resource economy and blaming immigrants for everything.” said Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer when The Scaffold caught up to him over the Family Day weekend.
A spokesperson for game designer Proud Inc. remarked “Our focus groups loved it. The re-released game hearkens back to a simpler time when Canada– I mean, CGA graphics, had fewer colors.” On game design he continued, “We’ve definitely made some changes over the original. First off, we gave control over the commodities to international corporations so there’s no actual way to make money. We destroyed the economy and left players with no choice but to go to Ottawa. Then, we doubled gas prices to make things accurate for the current year. Will you make it to Ottawa? Will you make it home? Who knows! We also added a few new console commands, such as the option to ‘BLAME IMMIGRANTS’ when you run out of gas, break down, or get in an accident after driving for 28 hours straight.”
According to the spokesperson, who made it clear they wished to remain unnamed, typing ‘POST HATE’ into the game’s console brings up a mock social media interface where you can leave incoherent and threatening rants in supportive groups. Players will also have the option of starting the game with a large stockpile of illegal firearms and explosives. When players get to Ottawa, there is a special sequence allowing them to burn gas pointlessly in the streets for two days, before driving home. Of course there are local counter-protests but typing RADIO HELP POLICE will get them out of the way quickly.
The spokesperson also hinted at easter-eggs, “You didn’t hear it from me, but if you type ‘HANG THAT TRAITOR TRUDEAU’ into the console while you’re in Ottawa you get a nice surprise. We even tweaked the game’s syntax so you can type TURDNO, TURDEAU, TRUNOPE etc. and get the same outcome!”
Competitor party The People’s Party of Canada said in an e-mailed statement “We really, really, really wish we’d come up with the idea. So much so, in fact, that we’re in talks to release our own edition– but we assure you, it will be much more focused on the detrimental effect that liberals, marxists and Muslims have on the country than the current version could hope to be.”
The game also carries resounding endorsements from Ontario Premier Doug Ford and failed Toronto mayoral candidate and journalism burnout Faith Goldy.
Crosscountry Canada: Yellow Vest Edition will be available for purchase and direct download on the Conservative Party website. Links will also be shared in the Yellow Vests Canada primary Facebook group starting February 19, 2019.
